Summer Blues
I had planned on this summer being a summer of great theological learning. I was hoping to read a lot of great books and study my Bible and really get spiritually charged for this next year of seminary. Needless to say, I think I’m about as unspiritual as I’ve ever been. I don’t pray, read my Bible, or pretty much anything else. I do play an awful lot on this computer, but as always, have very little to show for it.
So, I was sitting here reflecting on my sins when I came to this conclusion; I’m living life with no direction, as if who cares what tomorrow may bring. I’m up here wasting precious time and money (both of which I don’t have) just so I can sit here on the computer and do only that which is “fun”. Its not like I don’t have the motivation. I downloaded my syllabi today and upon reading it, was very excited about what the profs hope to teach us. But if I look at it realistically, I’m not going to do the work necessary to achieve their goal, I’m only going to do enough to get by because what I want to do is have fun and enjoy life and school work is only going to get in the way.
So what’s it going to take to change me from this? I don’t care about prayer or Bible study because that’s just not fun (or so it seems). I don’t really want to read other Christian books because that’s boring, will put me to sleep, and I’ll never remember what it is I’ve just read. So that’s the excuses, but that’s what I really need. Trying to do this on my own power will accomplish nothing, or so the Bible says. If I tried on my own, I’d be doing it according to the flesh, but I’m promised that if I seek to put to death the deeds of the flesh, the Spirit will help me (cf. Rom 8:13).
So really what it seems like I need to do is from the moment I wake up, start asking God what he would have me to do. But wait a minute, is he really trust worthy? He’s going to ask me to do something stupid and I’m going to make a fool of myself and its going to be just one big mess. But wait, I thought I had all this faith! Sure, I got a lot of sideline faith, but put me in the game and I’m out like a light. I’ve got to learn to depend on God, his word, and discern what it is he’s telling me to do. I’ve got to memorize his word so that in the heat of battle when doubt and fear are strongest, I have his word to lean on and strengthen me. As it is now, I don’t need him, his word, or his Spirit because I’m not doing anything but living for myself. So how do I put this into consistent practise?